The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
