I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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