all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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