you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
