So drunk its hurt
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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