I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
sex in a hospital.. check
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
