My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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