why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
