come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize