I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
