I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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