He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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