Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
