He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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