Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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