DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize