Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
