Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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