just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
