one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
