Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
