Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
