i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm passing your future prison.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
