He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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