I hate your face
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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