There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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