I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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