I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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