Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
