your parents love me but you hate me
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
