He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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