i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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