I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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