Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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