there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
