Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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