I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
