then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
