Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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