well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
