turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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