Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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