I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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