I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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