I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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