Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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