Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My hand turned me down
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize