i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
