did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Still dying that you shit outside
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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