Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
