I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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