These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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