i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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