im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
