I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize