She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
